Do I stop listening to her?

[hersmile]

My friend has a problem with her bf. They have been together for less than a month. She lost her virginity to him, so we can all imagine how clingy she is and how hard it will be for her to let him go. She is 28 and this is her very first real life bf. (She has had multiple online bf, whom she took seriously as well, but this is a different level of intimacy). The guy just met her parents this weekend, so she feels this extra bond...of some sort. Again, they've been together for less than a month...or maybe, they're reaching their monthsary this week.

I will not mention the problem because the fact is, she agrees it is a problem. She recognizes what it is. She admits she is being that martyr/dumb girl who is already being mistreated, yet who still choose to stay. She has admitted she's not happy. She has admitted it is not the relationship she wants to be in, but she can't seem to let him go. That is her problem. I have tried to help, but I can only give so much advice. Ultimately, she is the one who have to make the actual decision to let him go.

With this post, I'm the one who needs help. I don't know what to do with her.

I have reiterated the facts to her. I already gave her my inputs and my suggestion. She agrees with my point of view, but she keeps saying, "I'll just take it in hanggat kaya ko." She said it herself that if I could physically slap her out of it, she said she would still stay. (She's an online friend...so I don't have access to her face to slap :p) She compared me as a "hardcore personal trainer" because I don't sugar coat things with her. I've known her for a few years and have listened to her cry through all the boys in and out of her life. I feel like this one has the potential to drag on for months. Now, this is becoming my problem because it's time consuming to listen to her complain about the same problem again and again. Different scenario, same concept. I even told her over this past weekend that there's no point talking about this because she chose not to do anything about it. It's always, "I know what to do, but I can't get myself to." We're just going in circles.

Last night, she continued to text me her problems. She then added, "I know I'm just venting and not doing anything about it, but...." and she continues to vent. I find it frustrating because it's a waste of time and energy...from both our sides. What else does she want to happen? Ya, ok, I'll be a crying shoulder but I'm starting to think na maybe as long as someone will listen to her, she'll stick around with the guy. I really want her to leave the guy ASAP.

I'm considering telling her that I don't want to hear about her problems anymore. Maybe then, she'll be more proactive. Maybe she'll feel the push to leave him? But then, what if she feels like I've abandoned her? She is also currently talking to her online ex about her problem, so it's not like if I stop responding to her, she won't have anyone else to talk to. She already knows how I feel about her talking to another guy to "solve" her issue. That's another thing to tackle that she chooses to ignore. I just mentioned it to state the fact that if I do step back, she'll have someone else, who is not exactly the best candidate. If anything, she already mentioned that she might be drawn back to him...so that's another problem. But we'll deal with that later, if/when it happens.

I really care for her but, it consumes so much unnecessary time and energy...esp. at night when I could be doing something else instead of being glued to the phone. I prefer not to hear it as much as possible, but if it'll help her out, of course I would. My problem is I don't want to waste my time on something she chooses not to do anything about. I also don't want to pacify the issue, but then I don't want her to feel that she can't open up to me anymore.

If you were in that situation, what will you do and why?

On another note as well, what have your friends done to effectively get you to snap out of something they know it's bad for you? (Especially when they themselves agree it is bad for them)

[Aga Mulat]

Wow is that a tough one or what? You care so much for her and I understand. Friends are friends. Bukod dun sa guy drama, there are other things that keep you interested or you would have abandoned her.

Stick around as a friend but lay down the limit. Talk about other things but if she's not willing then distract her with other commin interests. If she's insistent then tell her to please talk to you about it when there is progress. You're not giving up on her but you can't spend time with her on the same old thing. Assure her that you truly cared to listen the first few times but that it gets old and instead now you are feeling more hurt in her situation. Let her know that you are hurting for her and it would help if she avoided mentioning the guy again unless it's about leaving him or by some miracle he turned out to be an angel and stopped hurting her or so she says.

I don't think the guy is hurting her anymore. I think she's the one hurting herself na. The guy is just being himself but she is trying to change him into something he's not and so she feels hurt and believes that he does not care for her "on her terms" and yet she's emotionally committed na to him. All she can do is wish for him to change the way she would want him to in which case it may never happen or if he does then it's not going to be what she wants him to be after all.

i don't think I'm making sense right now.

Ok, like you said, siguro because there is someone who listens to her kaya she's become dependent on you. Sometimes you'll need to lay quietly in the background and not make yourself available on her bacon call. Sometimes feeling "abandoned' produces a positive effect making her feel not wanting to lose you as a friend and so make a decision to abandon the guy or it could turn the other way around which is let you go and cling on the guy. In that case then you're free of guilt.

[Rizza]

I had the same problem with my closest friend (rip) before. It even came to a point where she would call me at 3 am just to vent. I gave her pieces of advice pero useless. I was guilty for not being a good friend kasi sometimes I lie na sa mga bagay bagay just to end our conversation. In the end, I just decided to be honest with my feelings. I told her that I really don't like the guy for her pero kung gusto niya magpakamartyr then by all means gawin niya. Suportado ko sya. I also said na mas better na if magkasama kami wag na niya mention yung guy. And she never did. I just made sure noon na pagmakasama kami, proactive sya. I encouraged her to know other people or spent our time with our other girl friends. When we both found a new hobby - ceramic painting - yon natigil na din pagvent niya. She forgot about him and moved on.

I guess my point is if she's a dear friend of yours then don't hesitate to tell her what you really think. Ayusin mo lang siguro yung pagkakasabi sa way na hindi siya ma-offend. Make her feel na you're there for her but mas prefer mo not to listen sa story niya about the guy if same lang din yung mangyayari.

[oversoul1404]

I'm considering telling her that I don't want to hear about her problems anymore. Maybe then, she'll be more proactive.

If you were in that situation, what will you do and why?

On another note as well, what have your friends done to effectively get you to snap out of something they know it's bad for you? (Especially when they themselves agree it is bad for them)

i think your plan is good enough. you are done with giving advice and none seemed to work. imo, doing the same thing over and over again will only drag the issue, up to the point where your friend shall be more compromised. ive been in the same situation before, when some girl would talk to me over the phone for ours, repeating the same problems over and over again. heck, i even left her on the phone, brushed my teeth and washed my face and she was still going at it when i got back. but even that got tiring.

i'd suggest that you tell her this: if its about your boyfriend again, unless you aren't going nearer to ditching that jerk, you wont be dealing with that topic. for the reason that you also are a human being with your own life, and personal issues to attend to.

in the past, my gf also has a certain coworker who is kinda like your friend. except that in her situation, sa sobrang daldal nung isa, naapektuhan na yung productivity ng buong team nila. magkkwento about dun sa bf na manloloko daw, during office hours, the whole day, during breaks, and while at the CR. my gf was so annoyed aside from the fact that she was like on your position and that she has to make up for the whining girl's pending tasks.

as for the last question, if i'm your case, probably i'd do the same thing that you did, but not for so long. if the conversation isn't going anywhere, i'd drop it cause as you said, its time and energy consuming. it wont be solved until she solves it herself.

[Chiffon]

just tell her. simple lang. "dear I'm a bit busy right now. unless you start doing something about that then we.won't talk about it. I'm not shrugging you off, I Just want you to figure it out by yourself"

[hersmile]

@aga: What you said made sense

As for the guy, well...he's different. For some couples, certain things are ok and certain things are not. To her, what he's doing is not ok. I told her she should just move on knowing it was a matter of incompatibility, but she still wants to stick around despite feeling mistreated and disrespected.

Thank you for your thoughts peeps...that actually make sense. Maybe for now, when she starts talking about her bf, I'll try to divert the conversation. I wonder if she'll get the hint. I'm just worried about her kasi she is quite sensitive. I feel like I'm breaking up with her lol...you know, it's like... is there really a nice way to say "it's over/I don't want to hear your sad stories anymore"? I mean, she just goes on and on for the sake of being heard. Maybe I could do what oversoul does and put the phone down, do my tasks and go back to the phone lol!

Well I'll try what you guys suggested the next time she rants about her ongoing drama. I'll keep posted. I hope my reply is along the line that she finally just got up and left him. *Sigh, one could hope.

[FreyaLuna]

I've been on both sides of the situation.

When I needed help, what snapped me out of my rut was my friends' patience coupled with solid, sensible, no-nonsense advice. It didn't even hurt, because I knew that their tough love was exactly what I needed, and that they really cared. They were brave enough to risk my anger by helping me out with the truth. And that support was more than enough to mobilize me into working out my own issues.

One of those friends has recently been in the same conundrum. After over a year of listening, I recently told her that she is just contributing to her own mess, and she deserves better than to treat herself that way. (She was already wallowing in her own drama, just like your friend).

After that she stopped talking to me for a few days, then later she told me I was right all along. It did worry me that she would get angry, but I could not allow her to stagnate in misery. Besides, she's also a very good friend to me.

Dealing with a friend's baggage is draining, especially if that person won't do anything to help themselves out.

You can minimize your interaction with your friend, and don't initiate contact for now. When she comes to you with her issues, hear her out but tell her firmly that her choices are the main cause of her own problems. Ask her what she really wants to happen. Don't allow her to drag you into the minutiae of her problems -- you've heard that all before. Just steer the conversation back to what her plans are for herself. If she can't answer, tell her she needs to sort herself out.

Whatever you tell her, say it gently. She still has to know that you're coming from a place where you want to help her, not push her further into a corner. Beyond that, there's nothing more you can do for her, so don't tell her what to do anymore.

You're a good friend to that girl. But if your help alienates you from her, then that's the limit of your friendship. You can still be there for her, but you will need to accept that she can't be there for you, especially since she can't even be there for herself.

Good luck, and I hope it eventually works out.

[oversoul1404]

Maybe for now, when she starts talking about her bf, I'll try to divert the conversation. I wonder if she'll get the hint. I'm just worried about her kasi she is quite sensitive. I feel like I'm breaking up with her lol...you know, it's like... is there really a nice way to say "it's over/I don't want to hear your sad stories anymore"?

nah, i'd suggest that you say it directly rather than let her take your cues besides, i think she has a knack for ignoring thoughts delivered straight forward, let alone discreet and subtle. good luck

[CrazyTal]

Hmmm... In some point of our lives we... ourselves have been to the same situation as your friend wherein we cling to someone/something but eventually its not our friends whom totally helped us but ONLY ourselves do so
I would suggest you do these things:
1. When she calls you again talk to her but limit the conversation to 15 minutes , at the end of the conversation (every phone conversation) tell her only herself could heal the wound she has at the moment. Even if she doesn't mind at lest you never stop reminding her about that.
2. Though you got tired of saying things she doesn't even tried to do to cheer up, Do a collage of her... Alone but happy ... you can ask her to go on a trip or if she can't then she might try Aikido/Taekwando or any martial arts.
3. You said she's so sensitive then maybe just maybe, you suggest songs on letting go ... look for songs with contents of being brave and all.. and doesn't even mind that guy as long as she stays happy, at times songs can help someone do what she thinks is best... At the same time it can help her relax



---------- Post added at 12:54 PM ---------- Previous post was at 12:49 PM ----------

Ay sis , about your question...
YES YOU MUST CONTINUE TO LISTEN but but but...
you must know when and how to tell her in a lambing manner that you had heard that lotsa times and the two of must laugh at it coz LIFE is a huge adventure and having a smile or laughter can even help you cure whatever hehehe and maybe just maybe soon mauntog na xa totally and let go

[hersmile]

@FreyaLuna….yes! it IS draining! I’ve done the same thing for another friend before and that didn’t turn out well. The other friend was wayyyy clingier to me. I thought listening to her was beneficial that’s why I listened. Boy, I was wrong. I realized she just liked talking about her problems…because apparently, a bunch of other people knows the situation too. I’m just trying not to be in that situation again. You’re right…I gotta be gentle with her.

@CrazyTal…thanks for the list. Those are good ideas. She actually is somewhat active. She goes out with her friends. She regularly crosses the border (Canada to US). She’ll actually be visiting me and a couple of friends in a couple of weeks! That’s the thing, she is active at keeping herself busy, so at the end of the day, when she has time to be sad, she either turns to me or her ex…cuz we take it in. I agree with you, we have all been there…when some person was sick and tired of listening to me rant about my relationship lol. Good reminder ^.^*

[KillaCrab]

meet up with her and shoot her in the head

seriously as i read all the posts.. it seems the issue is with your patience rather than her problems. what is your motivation in talking to her and helping her out when in fact all she is saying can be a fabrication designed to get attention from you.

she is an adult and IMO you have done enough.. if she wants to screw her life (under the assumption that everything she tells you is true) then IMITB that you should let her unless your patience is Job-like

[hersmile]

meet up with her and shoot her in the head

seriously as i read all the posts.. it seems the issue is with your patience rather than her problems. what is your motivation in talking to her and helping her out when in fact all she is saying can be a fabrication designed to get attention from you.

Yes, as I have addressed, the post is for me. I am running out of patience in specific terms of hearing about her problems. You are also right, perhaps she is just saying things to get my attention. I doubt it though, because even before she started ranting, I could already sense the cold shoulders from the guy on facebook. There is a drastic change on how he interacts with her on facebook and the fact that some other girl is calling him "baby" and him replying in other forms of pet name...all for the public to see.

But so far, she seemed to have toned down her venting on me...for now

[azumi]

Last time a friend of mine was like that, I lost my patience, we (friends) lost our patience...so I practiced tough love . No more sympathies, no more concerned tones, no more agreeing with her then cursing the guy... call me monster mom err monster friend, but that's what I did. I told her that she deserves to be miserable because she's dumb and all. I told her that she only sticks with the guy not because she loves the guy but maybe because that guy is good in bed! tagalog sermon sis ha, if I remember correctly (some 5 yrs ago) i told her "bakit masyado ba siyang masarap at malaki para hindi mo siya maiwan kahit paulit-ulit kang ginagawang 6aga?!" "yang anak mo isipin mo, hindi yang katawan mo na konting haplos at yakap niyang lalakeng yan eh bumibigay ka kagad." Prangkahan na, antigas ng ulo eh. "Walang mangyayari sa buhay mo, hanggang jan ka na lang, paulit-ulit na lang yang problema mo kase ikaw na ang may problema. Yang lalake na yan, wala ka ng magagawa jan kung pok pok yan, pero ikaw, may magagawa ka para maging maayos ka kaya umayos ka."

After I did that, she did not return or visit our apartment again. There were times she would text me and I chose not to reply or talk to her. I still hear some news about her and the guy through other friends and I choose not to comment since I already said what I have to say to say to her. She made a friend request in my fb and I chose to ignore. Until I don't hear a good news about her, I ignored her.

Years passed and last year, we were able to meet and reunite. I did not know we would meet but I was already willing and ready if ever since I heard that she's already working abroad and is not with that pok pok guy anymore.

To cut the story short, she was able to rise up above her miserable situation back then.
I was rude and all because I want her to do something; to prove me that she's not pathetic and she can fix her life...and now I can say, it worked!!!

Sometimes, what a friend needs is a slap instead of a hug.

[KillaCrab]

Yes, as I have addressed, the post is for me. I am running out of patience in specific terms of hearing about her problems. You are also right, perhaps she is just saying things to get my attention. I doubt it though, because even before she started ranting, I could already sense the cold shoulders from the guy on facebook. There is a drastic change on how he interacts with her on facebook and the fact that some other girl is calling him "baby" and him replying in other forms of pet name...all for the public to see.

But so far, she seemed to have toned down her venting on me...for now

yeah if all this is true then i can sympathize with her

[hersmile]

...i told her "bakit masyado ba siyang masarap at malaki para hindi mo siya maiwan kahit paulit-ulit kang ginagawang 6aga?!"

natawa ako dun..grabe! lol! Hayyyy...I thought I was harsh...mas hanga ako sayo!

Tama ka, minsan they need a slap, not a hug. Ayun lang ang ayaw kong madatnan, that we end up ignoring each other. But I will definitely be harder next time the situation comes up. So far, she is quiet. No texting or anything. The odd thing is, not facebook posts or twitter retweets of sappy quotes.

I guess for now, I should enjoy the "silence" while it last. I just hope she's ok.