Freak Magnet

[meimeidos]

I'm lost.

I'm wondering kasi if there is something wrong with me?

I always end up with guys na may violent tendencies. I've had a lot of experience with guys who hurt me emotionally, verbally and the worst, physically.

I haven't notice the signs siyempre nung una. They were all the same, kind, patient and a little bit in control. I like guys who have control over me since I'm not a submissive type. But as the relationship progress, little by little nag start yung conflicts. And it all ends the same way, breaking up and they always say the same thing, I drive them insane and I always put them on the edge. They said my actions and my personality daw ay parang I'm asking for it.

I've stopped dating for more than a year, and then I finally found my man. Our relationship runs smoothly for the past months and we're managing our conflicts. We have our first real argument last week. I initiated the fight, nung tinaasan niya ko ng boses, I kinda lost it. I shouted back. Then he freaked out na, he's so pissed he shouted some mean words and said the exact thing my previous exes told me before, na I'm pushing the limits of his patience. We haven't talked for three days, just to cool our heads daw and then he talked to me again, he said he feels awful for being mean toward sakin, he rarely gets angry daw and it's the first time that he shouted sa girl He jokes about it, na he transforms like "incredible hulk", and I believed him. I accepted his apology with a promise na he will never do it again. I'm afraid, I sensed the familiar cycle of the past.


I love him, and I can't ask for more. I don't want to lose him. Napaisip ako, am I the one provoking him to be mean sakin? I don't want our relationship to end like my previous ones. Aminado ako, I'm feisty and hates to lose sa arguments.I never shut up even If I'm told to do so. I always blame my exes, and I branded them as violent. But, what if.. I'm the one turning them to become "hulks"? Am I drawn to freaks, or I'm turning them into one?

I need some advice. I badly need it.

Thanks

[hersmile]

I have a friend who can get really annoying, loud and a bit insulting to her hubby. That's her personality...and so ya, he shouts back. Since I don't really know how you really are with them...and as you say na that one guy has never yelled at a girl before, until he was with you...then maybe it is you.

I say it's most likely you...because you keep ending up in the same type of relationship. So either you haven't learned how to properly pick them, learned when to walk away, learned how to set the tone for your relationship, or you really have a way of pushing guys to the edge.

[oversoul1404]

from your post, i can say probably say that you may be the one provoking your partners into turning into incredible hulks. maybe try to monitor your self during an argument and try not to lose your composure otherwise, the quarel would further escalate.

im saying this because i have the same characteristic that you have. i don't want to lose. may sakit sa gigil, ika nga nila. and at times, ive noticed, that at times when i don't control myself, i become irrational, attacking the person directly (verbally of course)instead of the argument, then it would spiral down into resurrecting the other person's past mistakes. i don't speak vulgar words but i become very very sarcastic.

then lately i realized what was going on. my habit wasn't resolving the issue, i use my sarcasm, i dig in into her past mistakes (in response, she would too) not to resolve the issue but to make her feel miserable, and to make me feel good. you know the feeling when sarcasm hits her in the spot? it feels good isn't it? but that won't get you any nearer into a resolution.

in the end, it would be better if you discuss your issues with your partner. having you check on each other would definitely help.. knowing when the other one should step back when the other one wants to stretch out.

[Chiffon]

Y'know, if the problem keeps on arising on different guys then maybe you should try to evaluate yourself since you're done evaluating them. Baka syao talaga nanggaling ang problem. Maybe you are too pushy, or you resort to increasing your tone too much (you should remember na lalake ang kausap mo. Taasan mo ng boses yan, 90% sure tataasan ka din niyan).

Parang sasakyan yan. You buy a bumper but keep on cracking it up and you buy a new one and cracked it up again and start wondering bakit ka bili ng bili ng bumper.

[meimeidos]

Since I don't really know how you really are with them...and as you say na that one guy has never yelled at a girl before, until he was with you...then maybe it is you.

Yeah, I think so too. Kahiit hindi ako yung unang nagtataas ng boses, and I speak softly sa una, pero alam ko kung gaano ka uhmm, lethal yung words na binibitawan ko. And then yun na yung starting point, the moment someone shouts at me, something inside me, yung parang nag iignite and yun na, I shout back. Kahit mas malaki at matangkad sakin, I don't care I fight back.

im saying this because i have the same characteristic that you have. i don't want to lose. may sakit sa gigil, ika nga nila. and at times, ive noticed, that at times when i don't control myself, i become irrational, attacking the person directly (verbally of course)instead of the argument, then it would spiral down into resurrecting the other person's past mistakes. i don't speak vulgar words but i become very very sarcastic.

then lately i realized what was going on. my habit wasn't resolving the issue, i use my sarcasm, i dig in into her past mistakes (in response, she would too) not to resolve the issue but to make her feel miserable, and to make me feel good. you know the feeling when sarcasm hits her in the spot? it feels good isn't it? but that won't get you any nearer into a resolution.

That's me

Y'know, if the problem keeps on arising on different guys then maybe you should try to evaluate yourself since you're done evaluating them. Baka syao talaga nanggaling ang problem. Maybe you are too pushy, or you resort to increasing your tone too much (you should remember na lalake ang kausap mo. Taasan mo ng boses yan, 90% sure tataasan ka din niyan).

I tried to evaluate myself, and I asked advices from my closest friends. Kahit nagkwento ako ng situation ko, they still think I was wronged. They keep on blaming na, it's the other party yung at fault.Na something is wrong with my head and I always end up sa mga worst type of guys. Maybe I'm not too honest with them, maybe I omitted some scenes that would make me look good. Kaya siguro I brought it here, sa forums. Kasi I can speak more freely and honestly and I can expect brutally honest answers as well,

Uhmm, I kinda felt relieved kasi, Akala ko something is wrong with me na, yun nga I'm drawn to those type of guys. Maybe sa lahat ng lalake there's a seed ng "hulk" residing, and my temper problem keeps on nourishing it kaya aun.

Thanks a lot guys.

I'll try to manage my "temper" issues.

[RedStarRising]

i know what was happened to your past relationships mei, (even the one that....you still remember that a-hole?)


as other members have commented already, try to control your temper. wag mong sabayan yung galit nya and vice-versa, at wag naman magalit agad agad lalo na kung hindi naman ganoon kabigat yung ground or yung argument na dapat pagtalunan.

kapag umaabot na sa point na nagkakainitan na ng ulo, pause for a while, take a deep breath, palipasin muna ang galit at saka mag-usap pag okay na ang lahat...

[FreyaLuna]

Hi Mei!

Your feistiness can be a good thing, really. But because you're a woman with a strong personality who's also drawn to men in control, perhaps in the back of your mind you like to test their limits when it comes to you. Maybe that's partly why you don't back down in an argument. And of course, as you've experienced repeatedly, this can be fatal to your relationship.

Do you think this could be a trust issue with you, that subconsciously you want to prove to yourself that no matter how badly you behave, your man will always be there for you?

However, as you've experienced, it's self-sabotaging behavior. Instead of drawing your man closer to you, you're invariably pushing him away. Your friends can say you were wronged, but it always takes both parties to make or break a relationship.

If you don't want to lose your man, treat him well, and treat him with the same respect you want him to treat you with. That's all there is to it. If he's worth it, he'll never leave you. Good luck.

[KillaCrab]

mei all i can say is that i know what you are going through..

and yes you are partly responsible for the break up.. but you are still young and no need to rush. in time you will mellow down
















or worse become a stalking psycho

[azumi]

Arguments are healthy in an honest, transparent relationship but focus on the action that pissed you and not the person.

Instead of saying "G@go ka, di ako sinisigawan ng magulang ko tapos ikaw sisigawan mo lang ako"

try... "yang paninigaw, wag mo ng uulitin yan, ayoko niyan, hindi ganyan ang parents ko kahit pinapagalitan ako..."

Top 1 need of men is HONOR...respect.
Strip them away of everything they have but let them have their honor,
so...argue if you have to but practise arguing without belittling/insulting or vindicating his person even if he goes full volume mode.

Condition your mind on the fact that if your guy shouts at you, you don't have to shout back because maybe he is barbaric, and you're not. That way, you still feel good about yourself even if you didn't shout back. (just don't tell him later on that you dont want to shout back because you're not barbaric like him else you want round 2)

I Can’t Get No Respect

So what is it that men want? In a word, men want respect. That means a man wants to be held in esteem and to be shown consideration and appreciation—even when he makes mistakes. He wants to be seen as a hero, especially in the eyes of his bride. He needs someone to believe in him when the odds are stacked against him. If a man doesn’t feel respected, he’s destined to act in a way reminiscent of the obnoxious, “I-can’t-get-no-respect,” Rodney Dangerfield. He becomes insulting, bug-eyed, and generally gross.

What women don’t understand is that men don’t believe they need to earn respect; they feel it is owed to them because they are men.That may sound sexist, but it really isn’t. What I’m saying is, men need to be respected for who they are, not for what they do. If they don’t feel respected, they can’t survive. It gets harder and harder for them to breathe (emotionally). That is why it is so important for a woman to learn to give her man unconditional respect.

[Chiffon]

I tried to evaluate myself, and I asked advices from my closest friends. Kahit nagkwento ako ng situation ko, they still think I was wronged. They keep on blaming na, it's the other party yung at fault.

key word diyan eh closest friends. It's their job to be on your side and give you "generic" replies on your situation. I'm not saying na tama ang mga sinasabi namin dito, or mali sila, mali ka. Pero gaya ng sabi mo, dito you get objective replies more often than subjective. You get to be smacked right in the face.

Maybe you should spend more time on the "getting to know" phase whenever you enter in a relationship. Kung mainip ang lalake sa haba ng oras na kakailanganin mo, eh di yun candidate for a relationship.

kami ni kumander ngayon took 2yrs of getting-to-know bago naging kami and hanggang ngayon after almost 6yrs eh madami dami pa din kami di alam sa isa't isa pero I think that 2yrs payed off. I'm not saying you spend that much time though, sobra sobra yun sa totoo lang hehe. jive lang talaga kami ng iniisip ni kumander nun kaya umubra(probably)

Emphasize ko lang yung tungkol sa lalake. ma pride kaming mga lalake at ayaw namin na bubulyawan kami ng iba at mas lalung ayaw namin na bubulyawan kami ng babae. It kinda amplifies the damage for like +150% kung babae ang mangkakantil sa lalake. You can try to work around some other ways to vent out on your guy without having to nag him or scream at him talagang magagalit yung lalake nun.

[suave]

sabi sa ibinigay ng DSWD sa amin noong nagseminar kami para sa kasal...

kapag may isang naunang nagalit sa inyong dalawa... pabayaan mo sya sa galit nya... wag kang sumabay dahil karapatan nya yun dahil nauna syang nagalit... darating ang pagkakataon mo na ikaw naman ang mauunang magalit at doon dapat ka rin nyang hayaan dahil moment mo yun...

sa haba ng sinabi nung nagseminar ang ibig nya lang sabihin ay wag sabay na magalit...

[Rieven]

been in this kind of relationship, frankly, all the arguing and bickering gets me tired. i am a very patient man. at nauubos lahat ng mantra at self discipline ko nun.

di naman umabot na sinaktan ko sya physically, pero nabato at nabugbog na ko ng significant other ko dati xD

negativity begets negativity, and that's just people are. everyone that will raise walls will get nowhere, somebody has to build a bridge

[Aga Mulat]

and there lies your issue, "I'm lost". If you can not find yourself then how can any guy find the you that they need to meet and get to know?

First you must find yourself and when you do, that will be the you whom guys will meet.

[meimeidos]

@red- Thanks red sa advice, oh yeah, I remember him too well until now.
Anyway, you still owe me a coffee date. *wink*

@mosh- I don't want to be a stalker! hahaha

As I've read all your posts, it made me realize a lot of things about myself. It's not just my temper issues yung problem, more of pride. I want to be in control and to be dominant over my partner, it makes me feel good. If I can't get what I want, I'll find ways to make sure, he will regret why he didn't give in sa gusto ko. Kaya siguro sa una, pinapalampas pa, but the more I get what I want, I gained more confidence na I can dominate and control him more.

It's quite embarrassing to realize na I'm such a control freak,and I don't want to blame it on me being young since I'm aging every stinking day. hahaha

I hope this time, I can make this relationship work, since he's so patient sakin. Kasi na tone down niya yung temper ko, whenever I'm starting to be mean, he's the one reminding me na, "Sarcastic ka na naman, cool lang ok? I love you", tapos patatawanin na niya ko,my sarcasm forgotten. Kaya siguro we lasted for half a year without any fight,until this "shouting episode".

Thanks again for your advices and opinions.

[menandro]

"If you do one thing consistently..and focus on it exclusively...,you cannot help but get better at it.."