Jokes compilation Post them here

[wayne]

ACTUAL STATEMENTS FOUND ON INSURANCE FORMS: CAR DRIVERS TRIED TO SUMMARIZE DETAILS OF AN ACCIDENT IN AS FEW WORDS AS POSSIBLE.

1. Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
2. The other car collided with mine without giving any warning of its intentions.
3. I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my head through it.
4. I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
5. A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
6. A pedestrian hit and went under my car.
7. The guy driving the motorcycle was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
8. I pulled away from the side of the road, suddenly, I glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment.
9. In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
10. I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached the intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.
11. I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep and had an accident.
12. I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave causing me to have an accident.
13. As I approached the intersection, a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no sign had ever appeared before. Unfortunately, I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
14. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I stuck the pedestrian who was wearing the purple sweatshirt.
15. My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
16. An invisible car came out of nowhere, then struck my car and vanished.
17. I told the police that I was not injured, but upon removing my hair, I found that I had a fractured skull.
18. I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
19. The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him.
20. I saw a slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.
21. The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
22. I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
23. The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck my front end.

COMPILED BY THE OMANA PROPERTY & CASUALTY INSURANCE COMPANY AND STATE FARM INSURANCE COMPANIES IN BLOOMINGTON, IL.

[wayne]

Q: ikaw ba yung umutot?
A: bakit, re-request ka ulit? eto pa isa

Sagot ng isang kontestant sa "Laban O Bawi":
Joey: "Ano sa tagalog ang 'grasshopper'?"
(Contestant, a guy, buzzes in)
Contestant (medyo hindi narinig ang tanong): "Huling Hapunan??"

Sa isang job interview:
manager: hmmm... ano bang natapos mo?
nag-aaply: aba madami ho!
manager: aba ayos yan. ano-ano?
nag-aaply: tekken, tomb raider, crash bandicoot...

manager: teka sang university ka ba nagaral?
nag-aaply: university mall.

Sa magandang gabi bayan:
reporter: matagal ka na ba nagdo-droga?
suspect: hindi naman
reporter: kailan lang?
suspect: wala pang sampung taon.

My mom saw my little brother eating his booger...
MOM: Onat, why are you eating your KULANGOT!!?
Onat: DONT WORRY MOMMY, I'M ONLY EATING THE BIG ONES!

office worker 1: Ay ang galing-galing mo talaga....sana kunin ka na ni Lord!
office worker 2 : Ah hinde.....Hindi ako magaling....BOBO ka lang talaga!!!

At the dinner table:
Q: Kuya, ang boneless bangus ba ipinanganak ng walang tinik?
A: Oo, kamag-anak sila ng skinless longganisa.

Additional Answer: Eh nakakita ka na ba ng boneless chicken na buhay? Pumasyal ako minsan sa isang bahay ng kabarkada ko, may alaga silang mga boneless chicken. Grabe! Nakahiga lang yung mga manok.

caller: hello, nandyan po ba si _____?
receiver: ay, wala...
caller: kasi nandito siya eh! eto nga o, katabi ko!

teacher: ok bob ituro mo sa mapa ang north america
bob: ayun po mam
teacher: very good. class sino ba ang nakatuklas ng north america?
class: si bob!

Sa loob ng FX taxi na puno ng pasahero, biglang bumaho dahil may umutot. Siyempre, walang umamin. After five minutes:
FX DRIVER: "O, yung umutot kanina, hindi pa nagbabayad!"
PASSENGER BESIDE THE DRIVER: "Bayad na ako, ah!"

Sa isang kanto, may magbabalot na dumating.
Tambay: Boss, may asin ka?
Magbabalot: Meron.
Tambay: Pabili ngang isang kilo.

part 2
Tambay: Eh magkano naman ang basag na balot?
Magbabalot: P5 po.
Tambay: O sige magbasag ka ng lima bibili ko.

part 3
Tambay: Maliit ba sisiw nito?
Vendor (naasar na): oo,nagkasya sa itlog eh!

as i was walking outside my office late at night...
sekyu: good evening sir... andito pa kayo?
me: hmm... ano sa tingin mo?
sekyu: opo sir... andito pa nga kayo...
me: wala, nasa bahay na ako.
sekyu: si sir naman... tinatakot nyo ako eh...

pasahero1: ayyyyy ang kyut naman ho ng anak nyo!!!
pasahero2 [me dalang bata]: kyut ba? yan oh, sayo na lang.

i wish:
kris: game ka na ba?
contestant: game na, b**ch!

kid: dad, dad, nag recitation kami kanina.
dad: o...
bro: ang hirap-hirap ng question niya, dad! walang nakasagot sa mga classmates ko!
dad (excited and proud): o, e di ikaw lang nakasagot, anak?
bro: hindi. pati ako rin di nakasagot.
dad: bobo! (binatukan ang bata)

Lasingero: Pabili nga ng ber <hiK>
tindero: ala kami ber, ubos na eh?
L: ber yung nasa lata
t: wala na pati sa lata...
L: tignan mo mabuti... yung may brand <hiK>
T: (asar) wala na ho talaga!
L: Ber brand?
t: ahh ganun pala...

"Bakit maalat ang tubig sa dagat?"
"Baket?"
"Dahil sa isda."
"Bakit isda??"
"Kase wala silang CR..."

FOR SALE
Gusto mong bumili ng bra? Mura lang.
Kaso, nagiging kamay kapag gabi.

Gusto mong bumili ng Eye-Mo? Mura lang.
Kaso, roll-on

Gusto mong bumili ng wheelchair? Mura lang.
Kaso, de-pedal.

Gusto mong bumili ng rocking chair? Mura lang.
Kaso, may kasamang lola.


Officemates na matagal na hindi nagkita:
Officemate1: O, pare! Ano'ng balita?
Officemate2: Pasensya ka na, pre, di pa ako nagbabasa ng diyaryo. Mamaya pre, kapag nakabasa na ako, kukuwentuhan kita.

lola: gusto mo ng milo? (malambing pa yung boses)
paboritong apo: sige ...gusto ko.
lola: magtimpla ka, tamad!

teacher: sino ang philosopher na naging estudyante ni plato?
student: ehrm, si platito?

Tanong: Tumatakbo ba an Refrigerator nyo?
Sagot: Oo.
ABAY HABULIN MO!

bata1: uy, may problema ako
bata2: ano yun?
bata1: kasi kanina narinig ko yung nanay ko na tinawag yung tatay ko na "papa." tapos nung isang araw narinig ko yung tatay ko na tinawag yung nanay ko na "mama."
bata2: o, anong problema mo?
bata1: paano na yan? pareho ko na silang kapatid?

Tatay na nagwawalis ng bakuran: Hindi mo ba naiisip na masagwa na nagwawalis ako dito eh naglalaro ka pa diyan?
Anak na makulit: Mas masagwa siguro na ako ang nagwawalis diyan at ikaw ang naglalaro.

sa swimming pool:
Girl 1: Aaa! umuulan! Ayoko mabasa!
Girl 2: t*nga! Lumubog ka sa ilalim ng tubig para di ka mabasa!

Bata: Mama, mama. Pwede po bang magtanong?
Mama: Nagtatanong ka na eh. Paalam ka muna.
Bata: Mama, mama. Pwede bang magtanong?
Mama: Ayan ka naman eh!

#1 : Pwede ho bang magtanong Huh
#2 : OO.
#1 : Salamat po.

wife stayed up late kasi ang tagal umuwi ng asawa niya. when the guy enters the front door...
Wife: BAKIT NGAYON KA LANG, HA???!!! BAKIT NGAYON KA LANG???
Husband: E IKAW??? BAKIT KANINA KA PA, HA??!!! BAKIT KANINA KA PA??

guy 1: "Pare, inuman tayo!"
guy 2: "Hindi, tao tayo."

Friend: Ano sa tingin mo?
Apeng: Ayokong tingnan.

Friend: Ano sa palagay mo?
Apeng: Hindi ako mapalagay.

person1: me ballpen ka?
person2: sori wala e
person1: ako meron

person1: me ballpen ka pa?
person2: meron!
person1: ako din!

person1: nakakalason pa ba ang lason kahit expired na?
person2: hindi na siguro, expired na e....pero baka masira tiyan mo

High school P.E. teacher asking one of his students:
Mr. Eugenio, nanay mo ba si Mrs. Eugenio?

BUYER: miss, magkano po 'to?
TINDERA: walang puto dito!

Q: paano lunurin ang isda?
A: hawakan mo sa leeg, tapos ilubog mo sa tubig.

sa isawan...
kostumer: miss, malinis ba yang bituka nyo?
Tindera: ewan ko, pero yang sa manok malinis.

Q: "nandito ka na pala?"
A: "hindi...guni-guni mo lang ako."

after falling off my chair and hitting my head on the floor, a concerned (but rather dense) classmate asked : "masakit ba?"
"ay, hindi...sarap nga, e. subukan mo rin."

emcee: anong masasabi mo sa death penalty?
bading; a ano po yun toot por toot, eye por eye.
emcee: paki-eksplika nga?
bading: ganito po yun: kung pinatay mo ang nanay ko, dapat, patayin din ang nanay mo!

Emcee: How are you?
Miss Gay Philippines contestant: How are you too!

[wayne]

Anjo: "Hindi ko talaga maintindihan ang asawa ko."

Willie: "Bakit naman?!"

Anjo: "Kasi intsik siya."

[wayne]

A woman was squatting while doing her laundry.
A little boy came to her and said: "Kita ko panty nyo, kulay itim!"
The lady looks down and says, "Huh?! Tang 'nang mga langaw yan!"

[wayne]

A virgin is going out on her first date and she tells her grandmother about it.

The grandmother says, “Sit here and let me tell you about boys. He is going to try to kiss you, you are going to like that, but don’t let him do it. He is going to try to feel your breasts, you are going to like that, but don’t let him do it. He is going to try to put his hand between your legs, you are going to like that, but don’t let him do it. But most importantly, he is going to try and get on top of you. You are going to like that, but don’t let him do that, it’ll disgrace the family.”

With that bit of advice, the granddaughter went on her date.

The next day the girl can’t wait to tell her grandmother what’s happened.

“Grandmother,” says the girl, “I didn’t let him disgrace the family. When he tried to get on top of me, I flipped him onto his back and disgraced his family.”

[pogi888]

wahahahahahahah

[west]

Sagot ng isang kontestant sa "Laban O Bawi":
Joey: "Ano sa tagalog ang 'grasshopper'?"
(Contestant, a guy, buzzes in)
Contestant (medyo hindi narinig ang tanong): "Huling Hapunan??"

binge. wahahahaahahah

[solwaysta]

HUSBAND: Dear, pinakita ko ang mga puting buhok ko sa dibdib, approved agad
ang SSS pension ko.
WIFE: Pinakita mo na rin sana ang bird mo para may dagdag - disability
benefits.
*****************
ANAK: 'Tay, anong pagkakaiba ng Supper at Dinner?
ITAY: Anak, pagkumain tayo sa labas, Dinner 'yun. Pag dito tayo kakain ng
luto ng Mommy mo, Suffer yon!!
*****************
What would happen if you have a wooden car with wooden wheels, a wooden
chair and a wooden engine? It wooden start!!!
*****************
This is a Filipino making a long distance phone call....
Operator: AT&T, How may I help you?
Pinoy: Heyloow. Ay wud like to long distans da Pilipins, plis.
Operator: Name of the party you're calling?
Pinoy: Aybegurpardon? Can you repit agen plis?
Operator: What is the name of the person you are calling?
Pinoy: Ah, yes, tenkyu and sori. Da name of my calling is Elpidio
Abanquel. Sori and tenkyu.
Operator: Please spell out the name of the person you're calling
phonetically.
Pinoy: Yes, tenkyu. What is foneticali?
Operator: Please spell out the letters comprising the name a letter at a
time and citing a word for each letter.
Pinoy: Ah, yes, tenkyu. Da name of Elpidio Abanquel is Elpidio Abanquel. I
will spell his name foneticali, Elpidio: E as in Elpidio, L as in lpidio, p
as in pidio, i as in idio, d as in dio, i as in io, and o as
in o.
Operator: Sir, can you please use English words.
Pinoy: Ah, yes, tenkyu. Abanquel: A as in Airport agen, B as in Because, A
as in airport agen, N as in enemy, Q as in Cuba, U as in Europe, E as in
important, and L as in elephant.
*****************
This is a Filipino in an American coffee shop:
Waiter: What kind of coffee would you like, regular or decaf?
Pinoy: No, Big cup!! Big cup!
Waiter: What would you like for your breakfast?
Pinoy: Hameneggs.
Waiter: And how do you like your eggs, sir?
Pinoy: Yes, tenkyu. I like dem beri much.
Waiter: No sir, I mean how would you like them cooked?
Pinoy: Yes, tenkyu. I wud like dem cooked.
Waiter: (with increasing impatience) Would you like your eggs...fried?
poached? hard boiled or soft boiled?
Pinoy: (with increasing uneasiness) Yes, one fried en one hard boiled or
sop boiled.
Waiter: And what bread would you like?
Pinoy: Begyurpardon?
Waiter: What kind of bread would you like? white? rye? whole wheat? toast?
Pinoy: Pan Americano
Waiter: We don't have that.
Pinoy: Okey, gib me taystee.
Waiter: We don't have that either, sir.
Pinoy: Do you heb pan de lemon or bonete?
Waiter: Sir, you are wasting my time. I shall ask for the last time,
what would you like for breakfast?
Pinoy: Donut plis....
*****************
Two married men talking...
1st man: Swerte ko, my wife is an angel.
2nd man: Buti ka pa, ako ang asawa ko buhay pa.
*****************
Wife : Love, mahal mo ba ako?
Husband: Siyempre, asawa kita eh.
Wife : Enjoy ka ba sa akin?
Husband: Siyempre, asawa kita eh.
Wife : Baka naman niloloko mo lang ako?
Husband: Siyempre, asawa kita eh.
*****************
Anak : Tays! Kakains nas tayos!
Tatay : Hoy! Tigilan mo yang kalalagay mo ng 'S' sa mga sinasabi mo ha! Ano
ba ang ulam ?
Anak : BANGU na may KAMATI, ARDINA na may IBUYA !
*****************
BISAYA 1 : Unsay ibig sabihon ng " cooling place " ?
BISAYA 2 : Pag-naga ring ang fon, sabihin mo " Hilow, hus cooling place?
*****************
A man wanted to buy a bra for his wife but doesn't know the size.
Salesgirl asks: "Is it as big as a papaya? "
Man replies : " No. "
Salesgirl : "An apple?"
Man: " No. "
Salesgirl : " Ahh..an egg? "
Man : " YES , but fried! "
*****************
Girl 1 : Halata na tiyan mo, bakit di pa kayo magpakasal ng BF mo?
Girl 2 : Ayaw ng pamilya niya eh ! Girl 1 : Sino may ayaw, tatay o nanay
niya?
Girl 2 : yung misis niya !
*****************
A Filipino, a Black man, and a White guy are in a bar having a drink.
When a gorgeous woman comes up to them and says, "Whoever can use the words
'liver' and 'cheese' in a creative sentence can have me for tonight." So
the White guy says "I love liver and cheese." She says "That's not good
enough" The Black man says "I hate liver and cheese" She says "That's not
creative" Finally, the Filipino says "Liver alone, cheese mine!"
*****************
What's the difference between corruption in the USA and corruption in the
Philippines? In the US, they go to jail. In the Philippines, they go to the
US!
*****************
Bakit laging Intsik ang kinikidnap?
Kasi pag Pinoy - hulugan!
Pag Bumbay - 5-6!
Pag Kano - credit card!
Eh, pag Intsik - C.O.D.!!!!
*****************
Lulubog na ang barko...
PARI: San Pedro, San Jose...
MADRE: Sta. Fe, Sta. Lucia, Sta. Clara...
INTSIK: Lubok na balko! Tawak pa kayo pasahelo!
****************

[nylaj]

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day,and all the patients were shouting ,'13....13....13'
The fence was too high to see over,but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on.
Somebody poked me in the eye with a stick!


Then they all started shouting '14....14....14'...

[nylaj]

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the
lights.

She looked down. and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device... a vibrator!

She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," She screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids."

[solwaysta]

Tinawag ni Inay si Boy, ang batang ngo-ngo. "Boy, magpunta ka sa tindahan ni Aling Petra at bumili ka ng isang latang Pork & Beans."
"Omo, inay," ang sagot ni Boy.
Pagdating ni Boy sa tindahan ay binati niya ang tindera, "Aning Metra,ngamuta na mo ngayo?(Kamusta na po kayo?)"
"Mabuti naman," ang sagot ni Petra, "ano ang kailangan mo Boy?"
"Mangmilan nga mo ng inang lata ng Mo e Meen?" ang tanong ni Boy.
"Ano kamo, Boy? sabi ni Petra. "Isa mong Mo e Meen," ang ulit ni Boy.
"Paki-ulit nga Boy at hindi kita maintindihan."
"Mo e Meen, Mo e Meen, nyung nata lata."
"Hindi talaga kita maintindihan. Mabuti pa kaya ay i-spell mo na lang sa akin."
"O ninge. Mo e Meen. Netter Mi."
"Letter 'B'?" Ang tanong ng tindera.
"Ine! Netter Mi as in Minimines."
"Ha???"
"Mi!" Kinanta ni Boy ang alphabet, "Ey, Mi, Ni, Ni , E, Em, Nyee..En, Em, En, O, Mi"
"Ahhh, P! Letter P!" ang masiglang sagot ni Petra.
"Oo. Mi! Mo e Meen!"
"Sige ituloy mo Boy. 'P'..."
"Ngo!"
"Ano kamo?"
Kumanta ulit, "Ey, Mi, Ni, Ni , E, Em, Nyee... En, Em, En, O"
"Ahhh, titik O! P-O. Sige ituloy mo pa."
"Netter Arrng!"
"Kantahin mo na lang ulit Boy."
"Ey, Mi, Ni, Ni , E, Em, Nyee... En, Em, En, O, Mi, Ngyu, Arrng."
"Ahhh! Letter R. Malapit na. 'P-O-R'?
Hindi ko pa rin makuha,Boy. Anong letter and susunod?"
"Ngey."
"Letter A?"
"Ini ho," sabay buntung-hininga si Boy. "Ngey!
A, Ma, Nga (A-Ba-Ka-Da ang kinanta)! Nga!"
"Ka! Letter 'K' 'P-O-R-K' Ahhh Pork!!!"
"Oo. Mo e Meen"
"Pork and?" Ang tanong ni Petra.
"Oo!! Mo e Meen!!!"
"Pork and Meen? Ahhhh!!! Alam ko na!!!
Pork and Beans!!!"
"Oo! Oo!! Mo e Meen!! Mo e Meen!!!!"
ang masayang sigaw ni Boy.
"Pork and Beans pala ang kailangan mo!!!"
"Oo. Mo e Meen!
"Ay, naku... wala!

[mysterious707]

sobrang nakakatwa naman itong mga jokes nyo. especially yung tumag na amo sa yaya.
hahahahahha. wrong number pala.

nakakatwa din si Erap. "akala ko ba hearing lang ito? eh bakit may speaking?"
nyaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

gumulong gulong ako sa katatawa.
hahahahhahahha

[mysterious707]

grabe naman ito...
pagkahirap hirap pang nag-espellan, tapos wala na pala.
hahahahahha. kawawang ngongo.
bwaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

[FreyaLuna]

Speaking Japanese - Filipino/English to Japanese translations:

Manok - Sekken
Mamaya - Sakana
Joke - Biru
Stereo - Akai
Cook - Giza-giza
Ayos - Furo oke
Fingernail - Koko
Laughed - Anata-wa
This - Itto
Small piece of cloth - Retasu
Cornfield - Mais-san
Hindi Masyado - Natsu
Cigarette - Yoshi
Ipagpaumanhin - Kamisori
Is this your property? - Arimoto?
Yes, this is my property.- Arikoto.
Is this yours? - Sayobato?
This is mine. - Sakinitu.
Can I have it? - Akinato?
You can have it. - Sayonato.
Can we have it? - Saminato?
You can have it. - Sanyonato
You've grown so thin! - Kitanabutomo!
We saw each other. - Kitakami.
We had a big get-together. - Kitakitakami.
That was my assumption. - Inakarako.
We will boycott the election. - Kaminoboto.
Are you a victim of discrimination? - Minamatakaba?
I give up. - Sukonako.
Ouch! - Haraiku!
What a sad life it is. - Hainaku.
Is this your car? - Otomoto?
Is this my car? - Otokoto?
Is this your noodles? - Mikimoto?
I'll take this. - Kukuninkoto.
This is my desk. - Itodesko.
Speechless? - Wasabe?
An ampalaya (bittermelon) - Kurukurubot
What are your thoughts? - Kuru-kuromo?
I am thinking. - Munimuniko.
Are you playing the guitar? - Gigitaraka?
Is this your underwear? - Jakeemoto?
Are you annoyed already? - Iniskanabane?
You're crazy!!! - Sirauromo!!!

[Volleygirl]

this is soo kaka
hahahaha